I’m struggling today. After a pretty good showing at the LA Marathon yesterday (a 3:22:20 chip time), I’m in a funk. Part of it is the natural come-down from the adrenaline and endorphin high of running. And part of it is a series of moments and events that have contributed to a general post-race blues.
I decided to post this as a therapeutic purging as well as hopefully a helpful signpost for anybody who has ever felt the pull of not going for a run, doing an exercise, getting up out of bed, anything at all. There’s something to be said for that inviting lethargy, that laissez-faire attitude that works wonders for a time and then becomes overwhelmingly negative for you, your friends, and the world. It’s a fine line between rest and relaxation and too far.
I hit too far today. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything… and yet I found myself binge eating all kinds of junk food. Was it a lack of caloric management due to running yesterday? Or was it just a symptom of depression and stress (or de-stress) eating? Like a lot of things that we sometimes do for the right reasons but wind up doing the wrong thing, there’s a lot of factors involved. The one thing I do know is that I didn’t really enjoy all the junk food I ate… it was just available and I was peckish and couldn’t stop myself. The shame spiral swirled and I found myself descending the rabbit hole, eating more thinking I’d already passed the threshold and what difference did it make if I just kept stuffing my face? If I had been enjoying the food more or if I was viewing the day healthily as a “cheat day” that would’ve been one thing. But instead it just made me feel worse.
That’s the danger of depression and stress binge eating. So I had resolved to try and muster for a run but my calf muscle is kinda killing me at the moment. Feels like a knot that just won’t quit. As a result, and because, ya know, I just ran a long distance yesterday, and I just wasn’t in the mood, I can’t seem to bring myself to go for a run. There’s a lesson there — even I who love running and do it a lot sometimes struggle with motivation.
Given the copious junk food consumed, I really, really needed to go for a run… and I thought it might help my general mood to get some endorphins flowing. But I still just couldn’t seem to find the get-up-and-go to do it. I hemmed and hawed. I delayed and bargained, telling myself I would get to it eventually.
Adding to my melancholy was a review of yesterday’s post from the marathon. Despite spending a lot more time than I originally had planned, I checked the post today on my iPad and sure enough some images are rendered completely wrong — upside down, skewed, at an angle. They don’t appear that way on my Surface and I have no idea WHY it’s happening. I’m frustrated about that, as I am about the captions not loading on some of the images which I had spent a fair bit of time sorting through last night. I’m therefore working on a remix version that I hope to post in the next few days with corrected images and a bit of a layout change. I’m trying to view that as a metaphor for running — sometimes the only way to fix it is to start again. To rebuild and methodically build back up the images or miles or whatever. There are few shortcuts that actually provide long-term benefits. And so I will strive to rebuild the post. And I therefore need to rebuild my mileage today to try and take out the massive caloric surplus I’ve taken in.
Part of this stems from my review of those old photos from past marathons. I was so much thinner in 2013 and my finish time reflects this. Believe me, I’m thrilled with a 3:22:20 this year, especially given age, miles, and life changes. But in 2013 it was a 3:20:07. That doesn’t sound like a huge difference and yet… it bugs me. I prefer the way I looked in 2013… and maybe that’s just the difference between mid 30s and late 30s. Plus, I’m heavier. I know I am. And I feel like the lighter frame would’ve behooved me. Whether it’s true or not, I just feel that way. That way is probably madness and foolishness but we can’t always dictate our thoughts and emotions… try as we might. But we can try and work through them and strive to be happy and healthy.
And so, despite really, really, REALLY not wanting to go… I’ve pulled out The Stick, a plastic roller that was sold to me as “a toothbrush for muscles” in the hopes it will unravel the Gordian knot in my calf. I’ve also grabbed a sample of BioFreeze for a topical analgesic. And so I’m lacing up my shoes and powering on my Garmin. The road awaits. Here’s hoping it improves my mood.
POST RUN UPDATE: Well, I got endorphins and adrenaline. As I was running, an emotionally disturbed man, one I presume to be homeless through my own snap judgment stereotypes, tried to trip me. When he saw I was moving to avoid his outstretched leg, he clotheslined me instead. Fight or flight kicked in and since I’m a runner, I fled. As I turned my head to shout back at him. “Hey, man, what’s your problem?!” I noticed he was flailing at a taxicab. No matter how depressed I may be, no matter how crazed I may get in my manic quests for running, at least I tilt at my own windmills and not other people… or taxi cabs.
For the record, I’m fine. I’m trying to think if I’ve ever been punched in my life before — not a playful, “hey, chum!” but an actual physical violence due to anger or hate or emotional turmoil or whatever. I don’t think so. No bar brawls in my past, no fights in school. What a strange thing to have happen to someone. Random acts of violence. What a world we live in sometimes. We could stand a bit more “Human Kind (be both).” Still my favorite bumper sticker which I got from the Shelter House Luminaria Run.
