I have long been in a funk. I’m not great to be around and I’m in a not-entirely-good place emotionally, spiritually, physically. I’m sure you’ve noticed. But I have an idea. It’s not a great idea but it’s an idea.
When running, there oftentimes reaches a stage where I just can’t do it. I can’t keep up the pace, I can’t keep running, I just… can’t. I slow down and then at times I walk or worse just come to a complete standstill. I survey the road ahead, the long miles still to come. Is this hitting the wall? I never quite know what that is or how to define it when people ask me about hitting the wall. I do know that I have at times just reached a point where I can’t keep going as I was. Maybe it’s mental or physical due to a side stitch or tired legs or just a moment to catch my breath. But I do know it can happen and sometimes at any point during the race. The wall comes at different times for different people but I think most agree it’s in the latter teens or early twenties. I can hit this crawling pace long before or long after that arbitrary range.
The point though is that I scan ahead and pick a landmark. Maybe it’s a telephone poll, or a curve in the road, or a sign warning that cows are crossing. It’s something I can see. And I make a deal with myself — I’ll walk to that point and then I’ll start running again. There’s a mixture of art and a science to picking the landmark. You don’t want to pick something too close and wind up having to “move the goal post” and decide you need another landmark farther down the pike. And you don’t want to pick something so far away that you are tempted to think, “I dunno… this walking is okay… maybe I don’t NEED to start running again… this is pleasant….” It’s a Goldilocks scenario of trying to find what is the JUST RIGHT distance for a landmark to enable you to reset, refocus, and restart the run.
And so I’m making a deal with myself on this funk. See that election night up ahead? November 8th? I can wallow and worry, hem and haw, be a jerk and a beast and a total ass if necessary… but only until that Tuesday night. That’s the deadline, the boundary, the marker for when I’m going to take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and run forward.
That’s the deal. We are who we choose to be. There are limits and constraints and there are roadblocks and detours. But we can choose to try to change things. I can choose to change me. I cannot change others or circumstances… but I can try and change me. I can start again. I will start again. At that marker. One step at a time. To that pole. To that curve in the road. To that sign. I will run again. I will be great again.
Note: For the record, I’m with her.