Pictures from Portlandia!

A few months ago, I hastily registered for this marathon in the hopes of having an excuse to be in town to meet up with a woman I met from Portland.

In the intervening months, we went on a disastrous date that would’ve made a hilariously awkward Hollywood romantic comedy of errors; unfortunately, as this was real life, it was more a flop sweat Greek tragedy wherein my hubris at thinking a pretty girl would enjoy hanging out with me proved my undoing.

Long story short, instead of hitting on that girl this weekend, I’m hitting the biggest sights(*) of Portland and then running a marathon.

So, ya know, pretty much my typical weekend.

(*) – I should note these may NOT be the biggest sights to see… I’m more likely to seek out tourist traps and WTHDIJDATWFA — What The Hell Did I Just Drive All This Way For Anyway?! sights. But, ya know, it’s all relative.

Still, you’d think that kind of “road less traveled” mindset might be marginally attractive to a pretty girl. Alas, I blew my idiosyncratic date pass long before this weekend. I did try sending her a quick note this week, telling her though I suspected I knew her answer I thought it worth a quick final text to see if she’d be up for a drink while I was in town. Her lack of reply spoke volumes, with crystal clear Dolby/THX surround sound effects.

As I’m wont to do on these travelogue posts from the road, here’s a photo gallery with some hit-or-miss snarky comments/captions:

The un-official motto of Porland, located across from Vodoo Donuts and on the Dante building.

Portlandia is the 2nd largest copper hammered statue in the world. The largest?

The world’s smallest park, according to Guiness.

…it’s a former pothole made beautiful in 1948… and christened an official Portland city park in 1976 (happy bicentiennal, America!).

…I always love bookstores though I’m guilty of buying too many from Amazon or digitally loaned from my library.

Banned Books! I’ll take one of each… well, maybe not some of those titles. Just because they’re banned doesn’t make them good, ya know?

I really, really, REALLY wanted to get this for my brother… but he’s more of a dog and Japanese guy.

A signature wall… but ONLY for authors. I guess Run Kevin Run Dot Com doesn’t count.

My pal Tracy’s book is on the shelves. Soar, Tracy, Soar!

They were sold out of my size… but I appreciated the sound droid beeps explanation on the placard.

I sent this to a friend and she said she’s never liked the phrasing “well behaved woman” in any context. So… my attempt to send something kinda fun turned into awkward. Par for my trip, I think.

Your options for exploration? Only the poles. The rest is a snoozefest!

I opted to have dinner at one of the MANY McMenamins themed establishments around town.

This one’s a former elementary school converted into a hotel, restaurant, theater, convention center, and series of bars.

The detention bar is a must-visit I hear. I was there a little early… but I’d be back.

Sliders for dinner… because I wasn’t “very hungry.” Sigh. I eat and drink too much as my expanding waistline attest.

I wasted enough time on that in actual school.

I was such a good two shoes, I only had one detention in high school… and the proctor and I got into such a heated discussion that he opted to send me home after ten minutes for fear I’d incite a riot amongst my fellow detainees.

…with a side of fries because I was drinking too much. I’m a mess, man.

The next morning I went to see this 10 foot tall garden gnome…

…he’s dressed like a wizard for Halloween I guess.

I learned from a crappy Denzel Washington/Angelina Jolie movie that a dollar bill helps give scale at crime scene photos.

This is the Zoobombers Bikers Monument, a tribute to the annoying kids who ride bikes down the hill from the zoo to the annoyance of the police.

I for one long for the day when all the e-scooters are collected and thrown into a trash heap pile like this.

Varation on a Steve Martin joke from 1979: I do a lot of work with expectant mothers… I help them get their starts.

Those are mighty big shoes to fill, Mr. Martin.

One of Tony’s lesser known subsidiaries.

This museum sucks. #LazyCheapLaughsCaption

But it has A LOT of info POST 1932… how does that work?

Ladies and gentlemen, the HILARIOUS bulldog Zelda

A multi-million dollar greeting card mutt-gol… er, mogul.

And then onto the expo at the Oregon Convention Center

I always find these name walls a little creepy… like it’s a monument to those that have fallen.

$100?! It’s not even bedazzled! (Throwback joke to the Grand Ole Opry $120 t-shirt… look at last week’s posts if you missed it).

Selfie as the people I took a photo for grabbed their camera and left me hanging. Nice folks you got here, Oregon.

Whatever. I’ll run your stupid 26.2 miles and leave.

Say — you think in the narrative world of ABC’s “Stumptown” there’s a TV show called “Stumptown” … only it stars Alyson Hannigan? Or is there a Cobie Smulders in that universe as well?

I think this might be a racist name, even if it is located in Chinatwon.

Forget it, Kevin… it’s Portland’s Chinatown.

So in my race packet there was a coupon for free socks at this running store 1.5 miles away from the expo.

A local landmark… and a photo bombing drive-by.

I may not know art… but I know what I like. And I LOVE this artwork!

This bumper sticker is so very, very me. THE DEMOCRAT 2020.

An indie video store institution of Portland, with an eclectic and overwhelming selection (though with some noticeable holes as I wandered through).

Some great categories… which makes this kinda the Powell’s Books of Videos.

Von Stroheim is one of my favorites from the silent era.

They also displayed a lot of movie memorabilia… like Peter Boyle’s Young Frankenstein costume… er, Young FrankenSTEEN.

Two great things here — one of three ears from Blue Velvet… and the actual bar of soap used in the Fight Club promo shoot with Brad Pitt!

If I ever have the chance to get Linda Blair to sign something, I hope to god I have a can of split pea soup for her to put her Jane Hancock on. The devil’s in the details,… and THAT’S a great detail, folks.

Speaking of which… here’s a surprisingly not-so-niche category.

Shelves of movies and DVDs and blu-rays… and yet, not a lot of VHS or LaserDiscs.

It’s weird to see these guys listed as “foreign” but I get it.

Amongst the merch they sell — I met David Hasselhoff in 1998 on the set of Baywatch. He ad-libbed a line in a scene, changing “everything’s good” to “everything’s copacetic.”

While the birthplace of the U-Haul company is in Ridgefield, WA, THIS is LITERALLY where the rubber met the road.

Speaking of which, this place is famous in the area for good candy…

Concept for the chocolate fountain? Isn’t it just “a fountain of chocolate?”

Candy corn, one of the four food groups. Even at this high quality place, I still am not a huge fan.

But I’m even LESS of a fan of this. Seriously? Who would buy this?

But these were delicious. Made from the chocolate fountain… or so they said. Maybe that’s just apocryphal..

The oops is that they originally priced them at $4.75… then used a Trump Sharpie to “fix” it as if we wouldn’t notice.

Over the years it’s been a lot of things.

So here’s a thing. This moonshine jug building was built in 1928 as a tire shop.

These days, it’s a pirate themed strip club. And they’re having auditions!

Also, there’s daily specials… oh, ARRRRRRR there?

Tonight – carbo and alcohol loading with some friends and then perchance to sleep so as to run tomorrow morning. It’s a 7:10 AM start… which seems arbitrary and weird… perhaps just like Portland itself.