What’s the old chestnut? If it was the other way round THEN it’d be news?
HEADLINE: Dogs Bite Man.
And yeah, it was two dogs. And I’m the man. And I guess that’s not all that uncommon – as I said above, had I bitten two dogs, well, maybe that’s worth reporting. But what about this? What if the dogs belonged to THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD…LIKE EVER?
How do I know this? Because as her dogs clamped onto my running shorts, ripping them as if I was a Rodeo Clown and sporting polka dotted boxers underneath for the “laugh,” she eventually, lazily and at first, looked up from her FaceTiming iPhone conversation and grew angry with ME for distracting her dogs from “their business.”
As the jaws of her hellhounds ripped another shred of wicking material from my Champion shorts, not yet getting to skin and drawing blood, I tried to distance myself; after all, one does NOT simply interrupt THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD… LIKE EVER… and have her have to tell her FaceTime companion that “some jerk just attacked [her] dogs!” I’m lucky she didn’t have a bunch of playing card minions with pikes and staffs and possibly a bearded axe to take off my head.
That all didn’t help on my first day of MoonShoting pacing. In fact, I wound up with a less-than-auspicious-start of a 9:28 per mile pace. Soothsayers of yore could spin a tale out of “omens” to stroke the ego of their political patron, finding favorable signs when needed and a scapegoat when all else failed. I don’t know if there is a superstition that getting bitten by two dogs is a sign of future success. But let’s start that old runners’ tale now, shall we?
As for THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD… LIKE EVER… I can only imagine the hardships you must encounter, the stress of having EVERYTHING revolve around you, and of the need to ALWAYS be the focus of everyone EVERYWHERE. How very exhausting that must be and I really should have been more understanding. So I’m sorry for secretly wishing your center of gravity would collapse in upon itself and you’d become a a neutron star and then you would quickly morph into a black hole… as obviously you’re already a black hole of awfulness.
Oh, and your dogs are ugly too.
HEADLINE: Man Goes Too Far And Insults Dogs, Immediately Regrets It.